Australian Times Newspaper article: Aussies abroad - don't come home to soon

Returning to life in Australia was definitely as hard as I expected. Probably harder.

I needed to vent about my feelings of being an outcast in my home country and wrote the following article for the Australian Times Newspaper with words of advice for those considering coming home. I hope I changed a few minds!

The comments are worth a read - and leave your own!

DON'T HEAD HOME TO AUSTRALIA TO EARLY!
LEAVING London – those words invoke different feelings to different people. But regardless of who you are, if you’re an Aussie living in London, then these two words cross your mind often.

Returning to Australia can be a blessing for the homesick or punishment to those who see it as the end of reckless fun. The latter is probably more common, because let’s face it, that’s why we left in the first place.

I was one of those people. But after a two year stint gallivanting across as many countries as possible and living in London, it was time to face the blasting reality of life back on Australian shores. And whatever type of mental preparation I thought I’d given myself, it wasn’t even close to being enough. Each day waking back home is like a fresh slap in the face – on a really bad day it’s like I’ve been completely KO’d! And after talking to other returnees, I’m not alone.

So before you prematurely book a ticket to the homeland because you a) just broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend b) can’t afford to stay in London earning such little money or c) miss a love or the life you left behind, think long and hard about the decision.

Readjusting is tough and nearly two months in I’m still as unsettled as day one – minus the jetlag! The 24 hour flight was agony, dragging me closer and closer to the life I wasn’t prepared to go back to. And shock horror – when I got back nothing had changed. Except that every single friend I left behind was either pregnant, has had a baby, wanted a baby, wanted another baby or couldn’t stop talking about babies. WARNING: while you were learning, growing and discovering the world, your mates were breeding like wildfire and cannot relate to your experiences unless they have also had them. Best have an overseas baby story prepared to hold their attention for a little while at least. The alternative to this conversation is marriages and mortgages. I can’t decide what’s worse!

You are most likely coming home broke. Even more likely is that you’re coming home in debt – to your parents. And it gets worse. Because you’re broke and jobless, you live with your folks rent free knowing that the first few months pay, when you eventually get a job, is going straight back to them. It’s pure humiliation; you’re brave and independent enough to take on any culture of the world but still need mummy and daddy to help you back on your feet!

And then throw in this equation: Australia = extortion. This just compounds your ‘brokeness’ when you get home. I got off the plane at Melbourne Airport and feeling parched bought a small bottle of water….for six bucks! And things got worse – a pint cost $9.40 – and apparently that’s a good deal! If you’re a smoker, well I hate to be the one to break the news, but you’re looking at around $17 per packet. Ah, I remember Eastern Europe where a bottle of water is 10 cents, a beer is a couple of bucks and a pack of smokes is $3. But when it comes to rent, it’s Australia winning the race. It’s still bearable in most parts, compared to a London Zone Three equivalent!

Australia cannot compete with London’s entertainment and nightlife. And with nearly half of Australia’s entire population equaling the quantity in London, it’s not surprising why. But it’s a tough readjustment nonetheless – life just seems so quiet in compassion.

Returning to Oz also means returning to the road, not the pub. The public transport situation in Australia hasn’t changed a great deal. So catching a taxi home or walking is still the answer to those nights at the pub. Turns me off drinking somehow!

Australia is still the same wonderful country it was when you left – albeit more expensive with the ever present feeling of a time capsule – but still the same. Each year too many people rush back to their homeland over a rash decision and then regret it. London is far away and can sometimes look intimidating, expensive and bleak. But from where I’m standing it’s the other way round.

Home isn’t going anywhere, so make sure you return when you are 100% ready!

Australian Times Newspaper article: Chug, Chug, Chug with the 100 Club

In September 2010, Baby Jesus, some Kiwi/Aussie friends and I drove a big green truck/bus from London to Munich for Oktoberfest 2010. While there I witnessed the legendary, grotesque and fascinating 100 Club. I wrote an article about the spectacle and it was published in the Australian Times Newspaper. It started quite an interesting debate online - follow the link at the bottom of this page for reader comments and to leave your own.

Chug, Chug, Chug with the 100 Club
Downing a ‘beer bong’ is a rite of passage for many Aussies, but it’s the infamous travel legend of the 100 Club that takes things to a revolting – yet compelling - new height. Think sculling a stranger’s vomit mixed with piss and you get this annual event right before Oktoberfest kicks off in Munich, Germany each year.

Unsurprisingly, it’s Aussie and Kiwi backpackers who take part in this glorified vom-fest. The rules appear simple: 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. To enter, just turn up on the day with a bucket, stool, beer, shot glass and no underwear. Past winners act as judges, deciding who downs what foul concoction and who is deemed out of contention. The ‘winner’ is last man, or possibly woman, who has managed to stay conscious and kept the poisons down best.

To kick off, participants are given a taste of what’s to come. Some of the better ingredients entrants and their beer is doused with include flour, baked beans, phlegm, tomato sauce and chili powder. But it’s the other contents on display that really make the stomach churn: tins of dog and cat food mixed with jars of curry, raw eggs, mouldy cheese, fish and tinned ravioli. But even these are better than the alternative: vomit and urine.

Puking is inevitable and when it happens that person is out, unless undetected by the judges. But sometimes the judges are lenient and may provide a second chance – if you down a funnel filled with another’s spew. If the lucky contestant can keep that down they can remain seated and in the running for the win. The smell is putrid.

In a past competition the first person eliminated purposely spewed all over the contestant to his left before declaring “because I love you” and walking away from the circle. There’s also a ‘no underwear’ rule which has proved painful (and bloody) for unsuspecting victims when jocks are forcefully ripped off in major wedgie fashion in front of wincing onlookers.

As the 100 mark approaches and the funnels – and spectator throats - clog up with grotesque additions, the final group somehow manages to control their nausea, unlike the rest. How their stomachs avoided the inevitable nausea is beyond belief.

So what is the prize for this strange and glorified mess? Well it’s simple and in line with the heinous competition. The winners (winners?) have their revenge on the judges, forcing them to chug feral beer-based concoctions including vomit, urine, and if historic rumors are true, faeces and semen too (however these last two are unconfirmed and a touchy subject among contestants).

The majority of entrants into 100 Club are in the final stages of Van Tour, an annual antipodean journey which has been running for at least 20 years. Because of its unofficial heritage, it’s not known exactly when Van Tour started and the same can be said for 100 Club. What is certain is that somewhere along the way this contest evolved and continued annually ever since.

The 100 Club has managed to keep a fairly low profile, but the growing popularity and German media interest has seen this side of Aussie drinking culture beamed into living rooms. Is this apparent harmless fun something to be proud of?

Australian Times website - view comments and leave your own